Monday, December 10, 2012
Alex is hitting the wall. It bothers me to see how smart he is and know he can't understand when we say things like you have to study, he just gets angry. He has started to lose track of things, this year he has lost 2 calculators, to the tune of $300. So we are trying to keep him floating in the calm seas of life. But of late even medicated he is fighting the waves.
Its the moment when you realize all the people in your life, who have helped you can't help you when you deal with the individuality of aspergers. There are moments when he talks to you like he is a normal grumpy teenager, and then the moments when he stands there and screams at you like he has lost his mind.
Cancer patients look at the paperwork, and cry, but their fight has a visible enemy. Alex's enemy is invisible, and we can't see it or know when it is changing. That is the hardest part of the disorder/syndrome or whatever you want to call it. If you knew when he was getting on the edge of the a blow-out then you would be able to talk him down. But when he is walking through the house, and yelling at you about what ever the moment has triggered. Today it was math, how can I explain to him, I cannot change the way math works. Variables are variables, constants are constants, and I cannot change them no matter how hard I try.
Looking for sanity today is hard enough. Living with a son who has no sanity, and when he's not acting like a normal teenager and ignoring you, is following you through your home screaming.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
A New Day
Alex is on a new med, Invega, I don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing, but I know my son, can't be without drugs.
Today he said he loved me, but he resented me for making him take drugs, how do you explain to your son, he is scary when he doesn't take his meds. I told him, you can't throw a couch across the living room, and you can't flip grownups like pancakes.
His two therapists, and yes I said two, all agree, he has to have boundaries. So we set boundaries, and he is the best child...right up until he gets started. And anyone who has a child who gets aggressive and then cries, and says he is sorry, knows how hard it is when they get started to slow it, or stop it. I love my son, and when he had his last anger outburst, it took, three adults to hold him down, until he could stop. He has grown 3 inches and gained 20 pounds since then.
How do you wait for the medication to turn this raging animal into your handsome son? How do you watch him grow, knowing he isn't changing and the developmental tasks are hanging back in the hidden parts of his mind, and you look for them so hard, but its just not there.
Lord, Let his be a new day, where my son finds joy, and understands the joy. Where he laughs a heartful, gut-tearing laugh, and it is funny. Where my son lives in a world bright with beauty, and we are there with him.
Lord please give me a new day...
Today he said he loved me, but he resented me for making him take drugs, how do you explain to your son, he is scary when he doesn't take his meds. I told him, you can't throw a couch across the living room, and you can't flip grownups like pancakes.
His two therapists, and yes I said two, all agree, he has to have boundaries. So we set boundaries, and he is the best child...right up until he gets started. And anyone who has a child who gets aggressive and then cries, and says he is sorry, knows how hard it is when they get started to slow it, or stop it. I love my son, and when he had his last anger outburst, it took, three adults to hold him down, until he could stop. He has grown 3 inches and gained 20 pounds since then.
How do you wait for the medication to turn this raging animal into your handsome son? How do you watch him grow, knowing he isn't changing and the developmental tasks are hanging back in the hidden parts of his mind, and you look for them so hard, but its just not there.
Lord, Let his be a new day, where my son finds joy, and understands the joy. Where he laughs a heartful, gut-tearing laugh, and it is funny. Where my son lives in a world bright with beauty, and we are there with him.
Lord please give me a new day...
Friday, May 25, 2012
Flunking out
Jumpy Josh is flunking out of high school, how can this happen you may ask. Haven't I always talked about how smart he is? And he is smart, but he can't seem to find a way to turn his homework in .
He has a girlfriend, who is beautiful, but needy and demanding. It scares me to see how little self confidence, he has. He should be brimming, and yet, here he is in his 5th year of high school with no gumption to go do anything except what she tells him to do.
How can you build a life on the insanity of a failure? I encourage him to move forward, to help himself, to get a job, do something with himself, and he does nothing. I am afraid this is going to be a long long 3 weeks, which is all he has left to graduate.
How do you flunk out of school with a Mensa IQ? You fail to have standards for yourself.
He has a girlfriend, who is beautiful, but needy and demanding. It scares me to see how little self confidence, he has. He should be brimming, and yet, here he is in his 5th year of high school with no gumption to go do anything except what she tells him to do.
How can you build a life on the insanity of a failure? I encourage him to move forward, to help himself, to get a job, do something with himself, and he does nothing. I am afraid this is going to be a long long 3 weeks, which is all he has left to graduate.
How do you flunk out of school with a Mensa IQ? You fail to have standards for yourself.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
LIttle Boy all growed up
We went to see Dr Dan today. Alex, after an hour, came to the conclusion, that maybe, he would be willing to work with me.
Of course we had to find a deal where, he could still be all grown up, in 3 days he is old enough to buy grown up games, and go to grown up movies, but how do I stop him from making the big mistakes.
I worry about how he will handle the change of being an adult, when inside him there is a little boy who still throws things and he doesn't like it when changes happen.
It is hard to let him grow, when the behaviors are still the same, but they are changing as he gets older, and he wants to make the grownup decisions. He works at the decisions, and he thinks of the things he can do when noone can tell him what to do.
Who can give me an idea, and how can I findthe answers needed, so I can let my son grow, and yet not let him fall apart.
Of course we had to find a deal where, he could still be all grown up, in 3 days he is old enough to buy grown up games, and go to grown up movies, but how do I stop him from making the big mistakes.
I worry about how he will handle the change of being an adult, when inside him there is a little boy who still throws things and he doesn't like it when changes happen.
It is hard to let him grow, when the behaviors are still the same, but they are changing as he gets older, and he wants to make the grownup decisions. He works at the decisions, and he thinks of the things he can do when noone can tell him what to do.
Who can give me an idea, and how can I findthe answers needed, so I can let my son grow, and yet not let him fall apart.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Jumping Josh is out of Jail
He's 19, he makes bad choices, hes still in high schoool, and if you listen deep in the mess you can almost hear him blame me.
He hoards things, he needs help, but most help won't get it cause he thinks he is fine. Its everyone around him who are unfair.
He lives like a slob in a clean house, and can't understand why everyone is angry with him.
He blames everyone else for sending him to jail, he expects everyone to feel bad for him, but doesn't know how to say I am sorry. He says he is, when you can watch him do nothing. How do you live with the lies?
I am afraid he will have to go somewhere else....He can't stay here... He needs more than we can give...
He hoards things, he needs help, but most help won't get it cause he thinks he is fine. Its everyone around him who are unfair.
He lives like a slob in a clean house, and can't understand why everyone is angry with him.
He blames everyone else for sending him to jail, he expects everyone to feel bad for him, but doesn't know how to say I am sorry. He says he is, when you can watch him do nothing. How do you live with the lies?
I am afraid he will have to go somewhere else....He can't stay here... He needs more than we can give...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The 8 year old hiding inside my son
I love my son, when it is bedtime and he comes up to me and asks me if he can have a hug and a kiss. In his world the 4 foot hole in my wall is gone,and he hasn't spent the last 2 1/2 hours throwing a fit.
That is the one thing all my reading never prepared me for, those burst of pique from the 8 year old hiding inside my son's body. He wants to be heard, he wants a soda, He wants a fruit rollup, and how come we aren't hearing him?
It was easier to just not deal with those little temper tantrums when he was small. You just walked away and let it go. Now he is 16, and 145 pounds of solid muscle, and you can't just walk away from the 8 year olds temper tantrums. You have to face them.
I guess we are fortunate, in that we have Dr Dan. He has helped us, so very, very much. He has taught us how to not argue with Alex when he is winding up. He has helped us find medication, which helps Alex to be more a part of the world out here. And today, when the 16 year old Alex wants a hug before bed, because it is the ritual, He gets one, and I know the 8 year old hiding in there is happy as a lark.
That is the one thing all my reading never prepared me for, those burst of pique from the 8 year old hiding inside my son's body. He wants to be heard, he wants a soda, He wants a fruit rollup, and how come we aren't hearing him?
It was easier to just not deal with those little temper tantrums when he was small. You just walked away and let it go. Now he is 16, and 145 pounds of solid muscle, and you can't just walk away from the 8 year olds temper tantrums. You have to face them.
I guess we are fortunate, in that we have Dr Dan. He has helped us, so very, very much. He has taught us how to not argue with Alex when he is winding up. He has helped us find medication, which helps Alex to be more a part of the world out here. And today, when the 16 year old Alex wants a hug before bed, because it is the ritual, He gets one, and I know the 8 year old hiding in there is happy as a lark.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Things I have learned
One of the greatest gifts I could have given my sons is the chance to take responsibility for their own actions. I believe it is the greatest gift we can give anyone.
I failed one of my sons in this, I took his issues, and made it an issue. He is not disabled, rather he is specially abled, and I made excuses when he made mistakes, and I stood up and took the consequences. And now, I have to learn how to not do this to him.
I love all my children, and most of us as parents, want to make it better for our children than we had it ourselves. Because of this sometimes I believe we overdo in undermining our own rules. I believe consequences make the man, and now, I have to let my son, who is 18 in life, but 12 in maturity learn the hard way, what I could have taught him years ago.
Shame on me, but also shame on him...
I have learned my lesson, and now, I will work harder on letting them grow without the overbearing savior of a mom, who always wanted the best. Now I will only protect them from the world who would hurt them without thinking about it.
I failed one of my sons in this, I took his issues, and made it an issue. He is not disabled, rather he is specially abled, and I made excuses when he made mistakes, and I stood up and took the consequences. And now, I have to learn how to not do this to him.
I love all my children, and most of us as parents, want to make it better for our children than we had it ourselves. Because of this sometimes I believe we overdo in undermining our own rules. I believe consequences make the man, and now, I have to let my son, who is 18 in life, but 12 in maturity learn the hard way, what I could have taught him years ago.
Shame on me, but also shame on him...
I have learned my lesson, and now, I will work harder on letting them grow without the overbearing savior of a mom, who always wanted the best. Now I will only protect them from the world who would hurt them without thinking about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)