Alex is hitting the wall. It bothers me to see how smart he is and know he can't understand when we say things like you have to study, he just gets angry. He has started to lose track of things, this year he has lost 2 calculators, to the tune of $300. So we are trying to keep him floating in the calm seas of life. But of late even medicated he is fighting the waves. Its the moment when you realize all the people in your life, who have helped you can't help you when you deal with the individuality of aspergers. There are moments when he talks to you like he is a normal grumpy teenager, and then the moments when he stands there and screams at you like he has lost his mind. Cancer patients look at the paperwork, and cry, but their fight has a visible enemy. Alex's enemy is invisible, and we can't see it or know when it is changing. That is the hardest part of the disorder/syndrome or whatever you want to call it. If you knew when he was getting on the edge of the a blow-out then you would be able to talk him down. But when he is walking through the house, and yelling at you about what ever the moment has triggered. Today it was math, how can I explain to him, I cannot change the way math works. Variables are variables, constants are constants, and I cannot change them no matter how hard I try. Looking for sanity today is hard enough. Living with a son who has no sanity, and when he's not acting like a normal teenager and ignoring you, is following you through your home screaming.

A New Day

    Alex is on a new med, Invega, I don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing, but I know my son, can't be without drugs.
   Today he said he loved me, but he resented me for making him take drugs, how do you explain to your son, he is scary when he doesn't take his meds. I told him, you can't throw a couch across the living room, and you can't flip grownups like pancakes.
     His two therapists, and yes I said two, all agree, he has to have boundaries. So we set boundaries, and he is the best child...right up until he gets started. And anyone who has a child who gets aggressive and then cries, and says he is sorry, knows how hard it is when they get started to slow it, or stop it.  I love my son, and when he had his last anger outburst, it took, three adults to hold him down, until he could stop. He has grown 3 inches and gained 20 pounds since then.
    How do you wait for the medication to turn this raging animal into your handsome son? How do you watch him grow, knowing he isn't changing and the developmental tasks are hanging back in the hidden parts of his mind, and you look for them so hard, but its just not there.
   Lord, Let his be a new day, where my son finds joy, and understands the joy. Where he laughs a heartful, gut-tearing laugh, and it is funny. Where my son lives in a world bright with beauty, and we are there with him.
  Lord please give me a new day...
   

Flunking out

Jumpy Josh is flunking out of high school, how can this happen you may ask. Haven't I always talked about how smart he is? And he is smart, but he can't seem to find a way to turn his homework in .
  He has a girlfriend, who is beautiful, but needy and demanding. It scares me to see how little self confidence, he has. He should be brimming, and yet, here he is in his 5th year of high school with no gumption to go do anything except what she tells him to do.
  How can you build a life on the insanity of a failure? I encourage him to move forward, to help himself, to get a job, do something with himself, and he does nothing. I am afraid this is going to be a long long 3 weeks, which is all he has left to graduate.
  How do you flunk out of school with a Mensa IQ? You fail to have standards for yourself.

LIttle Boy all growed up

We went to see Dr Dan today. Alex, after an hour, came to the conclusion, that maybe, he would be willing to work with me.
  Of course we had to find a deal where, he could still be all grown up, in 3 days he is old enough to buy grown up games, and go to grown up movies, but how do I stop him from making the big mistakes.
  I worry about how he will handle the change of being an adult, when inside him there is a little boy who still throws things and he doesn't like it when changes happen.
  It is hard to let him grow, when the behaviors are still the same, but they are changing as he gets older, and he wants to make the grownup decisions. He works at the decisions, and he thinks of the things he can do when noone can tell him what to do.
 Who can give me an idea, and how can I findthe answers needed, so I can let my son grow, and yet not let him fall apart.

Jumping Josh is out of Jail

He's 19, he makes bad choices, hes still in high schoool, and if you listen deep in the mess you can almost hear him blame me.
 He hoards things, he needs help, but most help won't get it cause he thinks he is fine. Its everyone around him who are unfair.
  He lives like a slob in a clean house, and can't understand why everyone is angry with him.
He blames everyone else for sending him to jail, he expects everyone to feel bad for him, but doesn't know how to say I am sorry. He says he is, when you can watch him do nothing. How do you live with the lies?
 I am afraid he will have to go somewhere else....He can't stay here... He needs more than we can give...

The 8 year old hiding inside my son

I love my son, when it is bedtime and he comes up to me and asks me if he can have a hug and a kiss. In his world the 4 foot hole in my wall is gone,and he hasn't spent the last 2 1/2 hours throwing a fit.
That is the one thing all my reading never prepared me for, those burst of pique from the 8 year old hiding inside my son's body. He wants to be heard, he wants a soda, He wants a fruit rollup, and how come we aren't hearing him?
It was easier to just not deal with those little temper tantrums when he was small. You just walked away and let it go. Now he is 16, and 145 pounds of solid muscle, and you can't just walk away from the 8 year olds temper tantrums. You have to face them.
I guess we are fortunate, in that we have Dr Dan. He has helped us, so very, very much. He has taught us how to not argue with Alex when he is winding up. He has helped us find medication, which helps Alex to be more a part of the world out here. And today, when the 16 year old Alex wants a hug before bed, because it is the ritual, He gets one, and I know the 8 year old hiding in there is happy as a lark.

Things I have learned

One of the greatest gifts I could have given my sons is the chance to take responsibility for their own actions. I believe it is the greatest gift we can give anyone.
I failed one of my sons in this, I took his issues, and made it an issue. He is not disabled, rather he is specially abled, and I made excuses when he made mistakes, and I stood up and took the consequences. And now, I have to learn how to not do this to him.
I love all my children, and most of us as parents, want to make it better for our children than we had it ourselves. Because of this sometimes I believe we overdo in undermining our own rules. I believe consequences make the man, and now, I have to let my son, who is 18 in life, but 12 in maturity learn the hard way, what I could have taught him years ago.
Shame on me, but also shame on him...

I have learned my lesson, and now, I will work harder on letting them grow without the overbearing savior of a mom, who always wanted the best. Now I will only protect them from the world who would hurt them without thinking about it.

Alex and Joint Custody

It has come to my attention Alex has a trust fund, Imagine thousands of dollars so he can go to school, or that was the plan, but his dad chose to spend. I tried to get the courts to force the issue and it becomes a financial issue. And while all of this is going on I have to listen to the drivel my ex spews into the head of the child whose life is so literal he can't see straight. Love this life

Jumpin Josh has gone to Gaol

Jumpin Josh is in Jail, how do you get around that? I don't know. I so wanted to get bail together, and save him, but then he called his sister and his brother and told them I put him there. How did he get so out of hand. Its mostly my fault I think. I never made him take responsibility for himself. He got in trouble, and I passed it off as his ADHD. I covered for him, his whole child life, and now he is an adult and he is out of control.
I was trying to borrow money, where we live there are no bailbondsmen. So I was going to borrow money to get him out. But the booger blames me, he couldn't have even made the call if I hadn't have given him money.
Stupid boy, Sad boy, and all for the love of games..

Sleeping

Funny how you stop sleeping when you have a child who has ADHD or what ever disorder it is this week. If my son doesn't take his nighttime medication, then he doesn't sleep. Now most parents would be of hes old enough let him go. But you can't do that when you have these children. Nope, cause what if at 4 am they decide they want a candy bar and there are none in the house.

Exactly, he is going to go get one, and if the police don't catch him and bring him home for a curfew violation, then you have him calling because he has realized its dark and might be dangerous getting home

I vaguely remember sleep without medication, now its been so long, if I don't take the magic white pill, I don't get to go to sleep what a joy. Think I need another boy

All funning aside, its hard and what I have learned as he has gotten older is its his responsibilty. If he fails, he must pay the piper, and that is a hard thing for us parents to do. We have spent so many years fighting for them, how do we let them go.

Lay down in your bed, close your eyes, say your prayers, and just let go

Life as we know it

My son's father has decided he is a parent. Not that he has lived with my son for the past 15 months, he quit when his wife and my son got into an arguement. He did not stand up, he made no plan, he threw my 14 year old son with Aspergers to the curb, no coat, no ride, just abandoned like an old chair.
My daughter snuck him a bus pass, and he found his way to my house. I took him in and for the last 15 months we have supported him through therapy, one huge fit of anger, a trip to the hospital, the police, and his having to learn how to adjust, and now my ex has decided he is a parent.
My ex won't call the adults and talk with them, or send an email without threatening them. He actually yelled at my son, and then my poor son, who was trying to talk to his father actually spent 20 minutes begging his dad to calm down, and then 15 yelling at me because I wasn't willing to be yelled at.
How do you become a parent without any knowledge of your own child? How do you lie to the lawyer, and god only knows who else, about how great you are at parenting when your 13 year old daughter is up at midnight?

My son needs stability and I want the best for him. I want the best for my children, and how can I supply these and still allow him to see the children? I want to keep my sanity.

Hurting the Child, Gaining the ??

His dad randomly decided to stop and visit. He did not consider Alex's plans or feelings, and then Alex in such a hurry to see his dad got all excited. Of course I could not say no.
Again, Alex comes home late, no meds, swollen knee (did I mention he re-dilocated it), and hopped up on violence and mad because when his dad made decisions based on self, he hurt Alex.
I really really want to know why some "adults" feel the need to hurt the children they say they love? Child Abuse runs rampant through our streets, a father embezzles everything from his childrens trusts, uses them to gain what??
Living with Alex is not easy, sometimes we have to choose and its hard to not engage in the war. But how do you gently point out to a child of 15 with the thoughts of a 10 year old, it was not about seeing him, but protecting his assests.
How it breaks my heart to see the abuse, and know you are fighting it, but having to maintain a smile for the child..

The wedding and sleeping like the dead

Alex is sick, very sick, he has been sleeping since his dad, dropped him off on the 25th. Late. When he asked to visit with Alex, I said ok, but he is getting well, please don't keep him up late or do alot of running around. Of course he did both.So Alex got sick again, and has been sleeping nonstop for 4 days, kinda nice, but kinda a pain.
When he is sick, he is more prone to anger and less prone to emminent reason. Gotta love the child who kicks his sister cause she accidentally spilled on him. Forgotten medications, funny how sad that is, you have to take them on time or not at all, but not at all is like Dante's 4th circle of hell.
Josh has a friend, he smokes pot, Josh swears he isn't and I really want to trust him, but tomorrow we get the drug test and check. Here's to hoping!

TO all my friends hang tough with me we will get there

Missing Post, missing days, struggling therapists

I have a great therapist for my son. His name is Dan Q. The problem I have is that Dr. Q doesn't understand the religious standings we have. I know my son is 15, I am aware he is changing and he will continue to grow, but I need you as his therapist to work within my families values. If you cannot do this I need you to let me know.
I have an appointment with him tomorrow, or rather Alex and I do. I will need to find some positive literature to help Dr Q. to understand where I am or I will have to find a new therapist, which like any change is hell.
Alex is also looking for sponsors for his wrestling. He does not do this well. He walks in a with a flat look tells the nice woman to give him money as he needs it for a sponsorship. I think she thought he was looking for a sponsorship to a local thug organization. He did not smile, make eye contact or even look up from his paper, she was quickly backing away from him.
I think I will look up a few of the company's and call them and give them a heads up while Alex is in the Physical therapists tomorrow.

Yeah I have so much to tell you and so little time. A week I promise,after all I only have paper work to get, 2 dresses to make, and a wedding dress to alter no prob....

Threats

Today could have been great. It seemed like it was going to be okay. Day 6 of a med-less child, and he is finally starting to come into the normalcy, but of course, I got my hopes up again.
Alex finished the night with a fit of ugly temper, asking me what I was going to do and I finally lost it. I mean really how much stress can a person live with?
My husband doesn't have to, he gets to go to work, he spends his nights not fighting with teenagers, not being afraid of psychotic exes, and mostly not living the insanity, and then he threatens me with divorce, because I finally have had enough. Really, you are going to threaten me, grow up, I spend all my time building bridges, and he decides to threaten to leave. I hear this all the time from someone, Josh is going to leave, then what am I gonna do? I hate to say it but I truly hope he does so he can see how good it is here. A 17 year old who threatens, ooh big fear, maybe you should worry about graduating first? Alex threatens to join the military and when you try and explain the reason he can't he threatens to move out and go to another country and show me he can be in the military. I wonder if it would cause an international incident? He talks about becoming a dictator all the time. He tells me how great he is doing and then he tells me again, again and again. Do I seem angry, I am cause sometimes you need a little extra support and I guess i need to find someplace where i can get the support i cannot get at home. 
  I love them, but sometimes, when i am tired and my head is throbbing, and my arm is on fire, I just need a little help. Today was that day... 

May I have another please Sir

Living with a teenager who is detoxing from years of meeds is like shooting yourself in the foot.
First is the blank stare, directly followed by the utter howl of pain and frustration. I am at the utter howl.
Trying a new concept, not buying in. Not working as well as hoped, course my ears can only handle an hour of ShrillShreeky (you know the noise attached to your a name when they are sent to bed. )
I want quiet insanity, well behaved children, who sit quietly. Stepford children look pretty good to me now. But who would liven my day then? I would probably. Go crazy trying to figure out why they aren't try ing to kill me

Saying Goodnight

Saying goodnight can take hours at my house. We start at 9pm. we had a schedule, and my husbands boss changed his hours and now, its hard for us to get back into a schedule.

My oldest son just came out and wants to talk about socks and toothpaste, and why he isn't in bed, and he wanders through the house yelling about this and that and I am weary.

My youngest son has so far today threatened to beat up his brother, refused to help go get a car, argued with his mother and yelled at me for talking to him.

How do you get this far and not lose your mind? I want to have a normal quiet house where the kids don't yell shut up and scare you? I want to be able to put my children to bed, and have them go to bed. Goodnight Josh I say it for the millionth time, and I am tired of saying goodnight.
Lights out boys, and they explain why its still on, then they argue with each other, and finally the voices start to fade and they drift into a slumber.
I stop and say a quiet pray maybe I get to rest tonight. I am an insomniac because for the last 17 years of my life, I would wake when Josh woke, and sleep in those random moments of joy & silence.
Today I just want a quiet nights sleep...

In the Beginning - How did I get here???

My son Alex is 15 years old and he has aspergers, my son Josh has Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder or whatever the newest name is. Funny how life works, One won't sit still and one won't move.
My pregnancies were normal, no drinking, quit smoking, ate well, and yet, I have these 2. I have 2 other children. They are girls, and one is a diva and one is off to college, and they are just pretty girls who live their lives with normal teenage angst, drama and life.

The boys are a wonder of ideas, thoughts, movements, and here we sit. This is my I need a break from the insanity of them. If you can't talk to someone, prepare to die alone..